I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
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I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?