Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.

Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man

Good morning

200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

[a boomerang is thrown at me]

me: oh no holy frickin crap !

[one second later]

me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better

People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.