I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
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If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Ron is short for Aaronald
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside