Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?

Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

Child: [crying]

Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?

Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!

Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.

No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.