Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?

Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

As the Lord intended

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.

15: Ok

Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.

15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.

[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.

When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

[high school]

Teacher: do u have your homework?

Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

[giving eulogy for coworker]

Gary is on mute forever now.

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day

Me: I want to travel

Bank account: Where? To work?