I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
When your parents check you’re ok.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*