Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*

911 operator: i need your exact location

Me: nevermind

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.