I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
You Might Also Like
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.