I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
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What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman