I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
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I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
what
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]