I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
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Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
*bites zombie*
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
