I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
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*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
LMAO
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
