I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
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Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables