I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
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One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.