I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
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ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.