I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
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The Sun’s probably Asian.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!