I like to keep my wife guessing by walking around the backyard carrying a ladder and a chainsaw.
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People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Love is always patient and kind.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.