I like to keep my wife guessing by walking around the backyard carrying a ladder and a chainsaw.
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that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
this isn’t threatening at all
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
