Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

Given the memory span of a goldfish…

My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

I hope google does well on my son’s test

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty

If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle

Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.

Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.

Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.

[5 seconds later]

Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!