I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
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I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Xylophonist Shredding It
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.