My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
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Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics