I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
You Might Also Like
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
The cashier just checked me out.
Good lord
My dating profile:
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?