I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
You Might Also Like
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.