I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
You Might Also Like
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe