I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
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Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Happy Caturday!
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked