I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
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Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.