I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
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I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I can’t stop laughing at this
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
extrovert: *answers unknown number*
introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.