I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
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I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes