Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.

Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:

1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…

Fixed this for Shakespeare

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were