I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
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my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
can’t catch a break
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
wtf management?!
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good