I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
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ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
🤣😂
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.