I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
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Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
This kid will have a bright future.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
