I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
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After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
moms in horror movies
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”