I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
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I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece