I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
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You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I unironically love this joke.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.