I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
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Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned