Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.

Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.

Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

8: but grandma let me

Me: well my mom is cooler than yours

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.