I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
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wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.