I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
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ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more