@Tmoney68

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

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@mompsychologist

Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”

6:*writing thank you card* But, um..

Me: Write it!

@TheRohiniReddy

Guys, I only wanna hear about your ex if she is dead.If you still talk about her, I’ll murder her so we can have an interesting conversation

@iwearaonesie

[leaving the restaurant]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 5 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign

@iGreenMonk

Every night I keep a pillow under my gun in case a murderer threatens me to a pillow fight.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

@rustygunter

If it lasts 4 hours I’m not only callin a Dr, I’m callin everybody!!

@garrettbarry70

[Christmas shopping]

Me. “I need to get some wrapping paper, shall we split up?”

Her. “Ok but I’m keeping the house”

@ANNIEwayyyy

Just bought gas for $1.32/gallon. Don’t own a car but couldn’t pass up the bargain.