Wife: Don’t forget your lunch! You’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached
-later that day-
Horseman: I’m home! And guess what happened!
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
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It’s cute how they show subtitles during Here Comes Honey Boo Boo & pretend that anyone watching might actually know how to read.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.
Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
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Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
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Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
I definitely could NOT be a surgeon. blood freaks me out when I’m high
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.