Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
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Guys, I only wanna hear about your ex if she is dead.If you still talk about her, I’ll murder her so we can have an interesting conversation
[leaving the restaurant]
me [wearing 5 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
Every night I keep a pillow under my gun in case a murderer threatens me to a pillow fight.
Spoiler alert: 2013 sucks too.
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
If it lasts 4 hours I’m not only callin a Dr, I’m callin everybody!!
Someone greased my downward spiral.
Me. “I need to get some wrapping paper, shall we split up?”
Her. “Ok but I’m keeping the house”
Just bought gas for $1.32/gallon. Don’t own a car but couldn’t pass up the bargain.