Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”

No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

mandolin: finally a violin for men

Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.

When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.