Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

The answer is funnier than the question

someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.

Meet my wife, the dream killer.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

catch me on valentine’s day like

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

dictator is short for richard potato

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”