I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
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GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.