if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
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I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I’d love this…lol
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
what could possibly go wrong?
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”