@Jake_Vig

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

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@RadWizzy

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

@jonnysun

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

@jwoodham

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

@Aspersioncast

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

@djr_102

If you sit beside me, you’re part of my drumkit.

@LarkynSimony

What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

@lisaxy424

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

@OctopusCaveman

The cool thing about dating a musician is if you ever break up with them you basically just co-wrote their next album.

@thelateinnings

[funeral]

minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*

guy in casket: i am literally dead