I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

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Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?


I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now


A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.


My kids wouldn’t stop asking me who my favorite is so I said the dog & now they’re crying and I’m like THIS IS WHY THE DOG IS MY FAVORITE.


Wife was feeling kinky last night so she got naked and I tied her to the headboard, then me and my buddy ordered pizza and played X-Box.


If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.


Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.


I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.


[sees friend at the store]



“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.


Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.