I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
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A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.