Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
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I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
My kids wouldn’t stop asking me who my favorite is so I said the dog & now they’re crying and I’m like THIS IS WHY THE DOG IS MY FAVORITE.
Wife was feeling kinky last night so she got naked and I tied her to the headboard, then me and my buddy ordered pizza and played X-Box.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
[sees friend at the store]
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.