I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
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THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
No regrets in 2018
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”