I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
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When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.