I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
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[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.