Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

*cooking omelette for GF*

Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”

Gf: “Sure baby”

*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*

Just how popey was the pope today?

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.

[first time skydiving]

me: oh no my charcuterie board

interview: problem solving skills?

me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*

Me: Not interested.

*driving by hot chick*

Me: Maybe just a quick glance.

*driving by any home with an open garage*

Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

(first date)

Her: I love Star Trek

Me: Me too!

Her: What’s your favourite part?

Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!