Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

This sounds bad:

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.

Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

smartest karate player in the world

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”