Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

#SaturdayBears

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

This rocks

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.

Every. Single. Time.

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

Bladder: I have to go

Laziness: Hang in there, champ

Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?

-a memoir

obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club