I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.