Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

“Is that a banana in your pocket?”

-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.

I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.

Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.

Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

every. time.