I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
