Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?

It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.

The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.

Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?

An escape room, but it’s trying to find a specialist in your network who is less than 147 miles away.

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

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