Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

I finally found a reason to live again.

Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

I got 3 miles in before breakfast.

That’s enough driving for the day

2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”

if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.

…No, YOU shut up.

Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL

Snake: *bites me*

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.