Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.

Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”

ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.

Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”

what is this, a family reunion?!

Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan