I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
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I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Awesome parenting 😂
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
The best plant holders?
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill