I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
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Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.