I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going