I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
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I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
broke down and did it
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
2022 be like
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Just me?
