I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
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We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
black phone good
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”