I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
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tinder profile where the fish is holding me
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’