I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
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I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.