I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
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Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you