Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
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*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach