I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
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My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I thought this was funny lol
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.