Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

oh shit

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

*jingles half the way*

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

water it, i dare you

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.

As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

Banana is the quietest snack

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.