Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.

Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

[every game of Words with Friends with me]

Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points

Me: plays POO for 6

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

kinda feel like the bridge overreacted

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti

Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

a McRib killed my tapeworm

All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.