Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!

My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.

Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

Me: Is your friend coming or what?

16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.

Me: Why don’t you call him?

Son: I don’t know what that is.

Need WebMD

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

This one’s “Alex”.

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

*breaking up with BF

I’ll never forget you David.

‘My name is Jason’

Goodbye John.

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.