Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.

Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.

Finn was her brother.

Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?

susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons

teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!