I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
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*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
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I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
🤷♀️
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When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
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ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.